Ever ended a relationship and thought about a million and one reasons why it could possibly still work out? Or perhaps you came up with a thousand ways that it could be "just you" and not them?Have you ever looked back on a few chain of events (or red-flags) that may have lead up to this "death" of the relationship and wonder whether you were overthinking things or overreacting? This could be the problem.
We all go through periods of second-guessing and a series of reflecting that forces us to look within ourselves and assess whether we could have changed things for the better.
But are you doing this for relationships that you KNOW are unhealthy? Don't worry if you are.
It's a mindset. It's not a switch that can be turned on or off during our most convenient moments. It's something that we must re-learn in order to be comfortable in our newness.
Yes, it will require that we go through some tough moments; almost like a series of "withdrawals", depending on how long or intense this relationship was.
But you'll get through it like everything else. It just means that you have to understand the 5 (and many more that do exist!) mindsets and learn how overcome them, one at a time:
This is one of the top reasons why we stay in relationships (even the ones that aren't good for us). Our human side seeks acceptance and love, therefore, we'd rather have SOMEONE than NO ONE, right?.
While this is understandable (we all should feel loved, right?), it's definitely not a good way of thinking when taking the necessary steps to remove toxic relationships from our lives. It's important that we look pass this fact and know that in order for greater relationships to happen, we must first make room for them by eliminating the ones that aren't so great.
Ok. So this is where we compare what was to what is or might be. We waste a lot of time creating this idea of things or other relationships (in the future) not being any better than what we recently came out of. WRONG! Not all people are toxic.
Not all people don't want the best for you. And not all people don't understand how to love and show that they care. There are actually a good amount of people who are great at these things and this is something we must teach ourselves to think, rather than trying so hard to remain in the familiar place we've always been in.
Yet another incorrect form of our mindset. Unfortunately, most of us remain in bad relationships because of how we see ourselves. They always say, "What a man thinketh, so is he". This is such a true statement.
If you think that you aren't deserving of someone who is loyal, positive, loving, respectful, and the list goes on; then you won't attract someone who possesses those things and you won't leave the one that doesn't. It's that simple. We have to change our minds about ourselves, in order to change them about the wrong people and have the heart space to accept the right ones.
This is something I'm guilty of too, trust me. There comes a time where you'll meet new people and find yourself with the tallest wall up because of distrust. This distrust often comes from past relationships that didn't work out.
And while we may think that the distrust mostly falls on the people on the other end of things, we must realize that most of the distrust comes from not trusting ourselves. Makes sense? If not, here's a breakdown: Let's say that you were in a relationship with someone who constantly lied to you and you were aware of this fact, however, you gave them chance after chance.
Eventually, you decide that enough is enough and you choose to let them go. Not long after, someone else comes along and you begin building a new relationship with this person, but you never trust what they say right off the bat. Ok, so you're thinking that the distrust is with them. But NO! It's with yourself.
You find it hard to trust them, because you don't trust YOU. You're more afraid of not being able to decipher someone's motives or intentions, therefore, leaving you vulnerable to being misused or devalued and caught in the same web of lies. As a result, you keep your wall up hoping that this protects you, but it doesn't. It just keeps you isolated.
You got it now? Ok. So it's important that we change this mindset and understand that we can never FULLY detect when things will go wrong, but we have to trust ourselves in the midst of it and know that we can handle it in the best way in that moment if it does.
Once we've been hurt or have gone through a major disappointment (or series thereof), we oftentimes look for a substitute to fill our previous voids. Most times, this new substitute gets placed in a "must be perfect zone" as a way to make the previous loss feel less painful and as a way to make ourselves feel like we should be offered "the world and back" for the tragedy that life has made us face.
While we should always look for better relationships, we must understand that finding perfect ones just isn't possible. No one is perfect. Not even us. So, the sooner we learn how to change this mindset, the sooner we'll be open to accepting great relationships that do come our way and are worth keeping, regardless of the few points that are missed.
It's all about understanding more of what didn't work and having enough clarity to see what will work in a new opportunity or relationship.
If you feel like you've fallen into any of these mindsets, it's OK. We've all been there. It's just important that we don't stay there. Ending any relationship is hard, even ending bad ones.
We have to sit through the uncomfortable stages, allow ourselves to grieve, and come to the realization that we can attract what we need. The important thing is that we don't blame ourselves for it not working out and understand that sometimes there just isn't much that can be done to salvage it.
It takes two to tango and if the other person (or people) aren't willing to work on the relationship, then it'll be a waste of time to stay, while hoping that it changes. Remember.....
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YES these are all so true! I think we have all went through those mind games in our own heads when leaving relationships! Best to move forward but just so hard sometimes!
Hi Jenn! Your are absolutely right about that! The good thing however is that it gets easier in time as long as we understand continue to fight through these thoughts when they come and continue to move forward! Thanks so much for reading! 🙂
Oh my god Michelle, I'm going through all of this as we speak! I just ended a relationship of two years and have never experienced such a brutal and dramatic breakup. I'm trying to make space to heal, but have definitely found myself succumbing to every single one of these mindsets over the past month. The struggle for me has been to find a balance between not expecting perfection but also not compromising on/putting up with things that are unhealthy. Thanks for sharing, it's always a great to remember we aren't alone 🙂
Hi Rosalie! I'm so sorry to hear about your recent breakup. I know how hard it can be to end something that you grew familiar to. I think that the important thing is that we learn to grieve and then heal before jumping into a new relationship. This helps with clarity and knowing what is worth pursuing. Also, I do understand the fear of not knowing the right one to choose. This is where trusting ourselves is important. Just assess the things that you don't want from your previous unhealthy relationship and keep those things in mind for any new ones that may come along, so that you know what to look out for. Thanks so much for reading! Wishing you the best on your journey to healing! 🙂
That's my favorite quote, Shanika: Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes. Great post! So many people need to realize that they're stuck. This message might just be the thing to get them "unstuck" and on their way to pure joy.
Hey Sis. Yes, I know that you love this quote, I do too! It's definitely important that we see how stuck we really can be without even knowing it. Thanks so much for reading! Blessings! 🙂